SNL – VH-1 Storytellers: Neil Diamond
Posted by Michelle on Jan 3, 2003 in Humor
I’ve watched Saturday Night live since before I could understand all the jokes. With the emergence of peer to peer file swapping services, I’ve been looking for a lot of my favorite SNL skits.
One of my favorite skits is Will Farrell as Neil Diamond. I laughed so hard the first time I saw this, I nearly choked. John Goodman is Gary the Bass Player and Tim Meadows is Kenny the Keyboard Player.
The premise is Neil Diamond doing VH1’s Storytellers, where performers explain their songs and then sing them.
SCRIPT
Neil: “Thank you. That, of course, is “Sweet Caroline”. I wrote that song after a big show at the Forum. Gary and I had been drinking pretty heavily, and we were driving..”
Gary (bass player): [worried] “Oh, I can’t believe you’re gonna tell this story..”
Neil: “Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. [the crowd reacts with stunned silence.] So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And two hours later, I wrote “Sweet Caroline”. Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you.
The crowd tries to applaud, but is stunned at the story. Neil follows it up with more revelations.
Neil: “It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That’s why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely legal pornography. Gary knows what I’m talking about. Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. [intro to “Cracklin’ Rosie”] Oh, Cracklin’ Rose, get on board. We’re gonna ride ’til there ain’t no more to go. We’re takin’ it slow. Let’s all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard!”
Next, Neil writes about his song of peace and unity, “America”:
Neil: “This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [intro to “America”] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreigners. Right, Gary?”
Gary: “Leave me out of this, man.”
Neil: “NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!! [pause, then back to the story] Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with dark skin, led me to write this. On the boats and on the trains. They’re coming to America. Never looking back again. Just do the best you can! You hate your keyboard player because he’s black! Never had the courage to tell him so.”
When his band members start telling him to shut up, Neil screams at them.
Neil: “I’ll smack you in the mouth, I’m Neil Diamond!”
As the crowd and his band starts to leave, Neil tries to get them to stay:
Neil: “Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection.”
SHOWS AIRED ON
SNL 97-98 Season
