Posted by Michelle on Jul 6, 2019 in Humor, Michelle
I’ve shared this so many times on social media over the years because it is literally one of my favorite humorous short pieces ever. Melinda Taub, thank you.
Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility,
Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer.
This was from back in late March when the old Pittsboro Courthouse burned down. We were goofing off and Hayley decided to be Annabelle’s voice in this running joke we have about a dog talkshow that our dogs host (don’t ask, we aren’t normal I know).
Bea Arthur died today and I wanted to post some videos to remember the fabulous broad that she was. Sad to see you go Maude, Dorothy, Vera Charles and all the other other feisty gals she had inside her.
I’ve written in this very space of my love for Leslie Hall and her world of Gem Sweaters. Leslie is simply hysterical – the combination of great song topics and a midwestern white girl rapping in gold pants rocks. Hayley loves the Leslie & the Lys CDs and asks me play it in the car all the time. I love her website and her music because she’s original, funny and infectious.
I hadn’t checked the band’s website for their tour schedule but I found out one day last week on facebook & twitter that not only were they back on tour but over in Chapel Hill that very night! Leslie, her gold pants, gem sweaters and the Lys had arrived all the way from Iowa and we would not miss that chance. The Midwest Diva had knowledge for the Junior Gems!
She was playing at a legendary club, the Cats Cradle, that I grew up going to as well. I called them and they said it was cool to have kids there and Leslie, while appealing to adults more than kids normally, is pretty G/PG stuff (booty is the worst word I heard) and after all, they did invite her to dance on Yo’ Gabba Gabba twice last year. I informed Hayley about what I’d found out and she proceeded to jump around and scream like a crazy person, so I knew she wanted to go too.
The show was fantastic – not too packed or rowdy. We sang and danced, it was GLAMOROUS – shazzam! Hayley was the only kid there so she was feeling very cool. And then, things got even cooler when Leslie brought her up on stage! Hayley was thrilled – wasn’t even worried about going on stage at a concert. We even stayed after the show to meet Leslie and the Lys.
Needless to say, we haven’t stopped listening to the CD since the show. I’m so excited my kiddo gets this stuff – she can have her Hannah Montana, etc but I’m content to fill the rest of her noggin with offbeat original stuff.
See more photos from this set: Regular view (easiest to find one in particular or print) Slideshow view (easiest to see them all)
I have so many more Baltimore photos to post but I had to post these three cool ones from Charm City Cakes. Charm City Cakes is the base for one of our favorite TV shows, Ace of Cakes on the Food Network. Hayley was dying to go visit it – you can’t get in but we took some fun photos outside.
Please ignore that I need my highlights done asap. I canceled my appointment when the chaos over Hayley’s finger happened.
Humorously, Hayley was convinced that every hobo, smoking person and random guy going into a bar all worked at Charm City – I guess b/c Duff and the bunch are a bit alt/rocker/punk/grunge looking. I finally just let her think they might in lieu of explaining what potentially was some unsavory characters!
I’ve watched Saturday Night live since before I could understand all the jokes. With the emergence of peer to peer file swapping services, I’ve been looking for a lot of my favorite SNL skits.
By far, my favorite commercial is called Bathroom Monkey and it aired twice in 1994-95 season (see show lists below). I’ve spent forever looking for the video and torturing my husband with the details of the skit.
I am a was huge fan of Janeane Garafalo, her wry sense of humor and general contempt amused me to no end. Her one year of SNL wasn’t exactly a spectacular fit but it did result in Bathroom Monkey. As she has gone off the deep end politically, I understand more about why she was such a bad fit at SNL and is so bitter now. Oh well.
The original airing on the John Travolta/Seal episode has a hysterical ending as they do the final scene from Grease – “We Go Together” song and car, with Seal in a blonde wig as Olivia Newton John.
[ Starts with woman giving product testimony from her couch ]
Woman: I had the bathroom from hell. [ laughs ] It was like every time I cleaned it, ten minutes later it was dirty again! Then I heard about Bathroom Monkey. They said the Bathroom Monkey system would keep my entire bathroom clean for up to eight whole months. They were right.
[ real-life monkey air freshener demonstrates ]
The little monkey air freshener releases a clean and fresh scent, and it emits a piercing, ultra-high frequency shriek, scientifically designed to keep my Bathroom Monkey hard at work, 24 hours a day. Now my bathroom’s monkey clean and monkey fresh. And my bathroom monkey? He’s more than a bathroom cleanser. He’s a part of the family. [ Bathroom Monkey changes shower temperature level as Woman takes a shower ]
I don’t know where monkeys come from.. I don’t know how they reproduce.. I don’t know how they eat. But I do know one thing: they were born to clean bathrooms. And when it’s cleaning power is all used up.. [ she discards used Bathroom Monkey ] ..simply pick up another in any of three decorative colors: Red.. [ monkey in red diaper ] ..Blue.. [ monkey in blue diaper ] ..or Orangutan. [ SUPER: “Orangutan will not wear diaper” ] This little guy just started today, and, you know, I think my new Bathroom Monkey and I are gonna make a great team.
SHOWS AIRED ON SNL 1994-95 Season
10/15/94 John Travolta, Seal
cold “Stayin’ Alive” follows host as he wanders lost through the studio
mono host claims he wants to forget his old roles but relives them anyway
COMM (JAG) talks glowingly about her Bathroom Monkey lavatory cleaner
show Coffee Talk- Linda welcomes a Barbra Streisand impersonator (host)
skit Count Dracula (host) tries to convince (KEN) & (JAG) that he’s not gay
song musical guest performs “Prayer For The Dying”
news to CHF, the baseball strike is tragic because he can’t run on the field
news Two Guys From A Religious Cult (DAS) & (ADS) give the weather report
show Squiggy (David L. Lander) & Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) vs. brutal Sweathogs
skit women’s self-defense class participants kick unprepared (CSE)’s genitals
show Larry King (KEN) Live- Marlon Brando (host) exploits indulgent interview
song musical guest performs “Crazy”
skit a small office causes co-workers (CHF) & (TIM) to yell at everybody
skit a drug dealer’s (host) hearing difficulties lead to miscommunications
misc cast sings “We Go Together” as host drives off in Greased Lightnin’ (Seal in a wig as ONJ)
4/8/95 Damon Wayons, Dionne Farris
cold Judge Ito (MAM) reciprocates Alfonse D’Amato’s racial stereotype
mono DAW does stand-up about African Americans’ undesirable job assignments
COMM Bathroom Monkey {rerun}
skit African American day campers’ names come from dictionary & supermarket
show Men On Film- Blaine Edwards (DAW), Roger Ebert (CHF), (David Alan Grier)
news Jeff Foxworthy (DAS) tells you how to know if you’re the Ebola virus
news ADS tries to get recently-released Mike Tyson to beat up people for him
skit (KEN) & (MOS) get drenched by excess saliva of jazz trumpeter (DAW)
skit homeless Anton Jackson (DAW) testifies at the O.J. trial
show Perspectives- the logistics of a black militant’s (DAW) upcoming march
skit animal-free entertainment from Cirque du Soleil’s (MAM), (CSE), (MOB)
MISC Deep Thoughts- JKH how to keep mosquitoes away
comm Christopher Walken (JAM) endorses Skittles
comm Tony Bennett (JAM) offers Tom Jones’ (ADS) used underwear for sale
I’ve watched Saturday Night live since before I could understand all the jokes. With the emergence of peer to peer file swapping services, I’ve been looking for a lot of my favorite SNL skits.
My favorite 2nd commercial is called Oops I crapped my pants and it aired three times in 98-99 season (see show lists below). It originated the line I still crack up hearing, “Well I’m wearing them, and I just did”.
Chris Parnell and Ana Gasteyer have small part with two older actors and a young child actor.
For me, humor in this fake commercial is the visuals, the older actors saying the hysterical lines and the horribly named product. SCRIPT
[Open – porch of nice home, looking out on yard.]
[Two grandparents sit with grandchild, as parents approach in tennis uniforms]
Ana: Hey, Mom what do you say to a game of tennis?
Grandchild: Come on grandma, with you on our side, the boys don’t stand a chance!
Grandma: Ok, I’ll get my racket
[grandma rises from site but changes her mind, looking concerned]
Grandma: On second thought, I think I better sit this one out.
[grandma upset, looks up at grandpa]
Grandpa: You kids go ahead, I wanna have a talk with your old grandma.
[kids, parent leave; grandpa sits down]
Grandpa: You’re still having control problems, aren’t you?
Grandma: I just don’t feel confident Harvey.
Grandpa: Come with me. I wanna let you in on a little secret.
[grandpa takes grandma’s hand and they leave porch]
[grandpa opens cabinet and takes out adult diapers]
Grandpa: Here we are oops I crapped my pants.
Grandma: Oops I crapped my pants, I’ve heard of those. Do they work?
Grandpa: Oops I crapped my pants out performed every bladder and bowel control product on the market today. Here, I’ll show you.
[grandma holds open diaper, grandpa holds pitcher]
Grandpa: Imagine this pitcher of tea is really a gallon of your feces.
[grandpa pours pitcher of tea with lemons into diaper]
Grandpa: See how its super thick protection allows for maximum absorbency without leaking.
Grandma: I’m impressed. Oops I crapped my pants can hold a lot of dung.
Grandpa: And get this, Oops I crapped my pants are biodegradable. Now that’s good for the environment.
Grandma: Hey, how do you know so much about Oops I crapped my pants?
Grandpa: Well I’m wearing them, and I just did.
[grandpa and grandma smile at each other]
[tennis courts, grandpa and grandma playing tennis with children]
Grandchild: Nice point Grandma!
[Grandma turns to and addresses camera]
Grandma: Thanks Oops I crapped my pants!
Voice over: Visit your local pharmacy and just say Oops I crapped my pants.
[Grandpa hugs grandma, kisses her on the head. They walk away happy]
[They turn to walk away and their tennis shorts are bulging…]
SHOWS AIRED ON SNL 1998-99 Season
September 26, 1998, Host: Cameron Diaz/ Smashing Pumpkins
opening show of the year
OPEN Oprah 2002
MONO: Cameron Diaz
COMM MasterCard
SHOW The View
COMM Oops! I Crapped My Pants
SHOW The Ladies’ Man
COMM The Best of The First 20 Minutes
GAME The New Hollywood Squares
TOON Fun With Real Audio: Presidential Address Outtakes
WKUP
MUSC “Perfect”, Smashing Pumpkins
SKIT The Roxbury Guys & The Festrunks
SKIT Smelly Witches’ Brew
COMM Gap
SHOW Jingleheimer Junction
COMM Gap
MISC A Message From The Spice Girls
TOON Maakies
COMM Gap
December 5, 1998, Vince Vaughn/Lauryn Hill
OPEN Clinton Impeachment Hearings
MONO: Vince Vaughn
COMM Oops! I Crapped My Pants
SHOW Dog Show
SKIT Mr. Peepers in Las Vegas
SKIT The Joys of Marriage
COMM Brew Dude
SKIT John Lennon’s Inspiration
SKIT Exxon-Mobil Merger
WKUP
MUSC “Doo Wop (That Thing)”, Lauryn Hill
SKIT Psycho
SHOW Pimp Chat
MUSC “Ex-Factor”, Lauryn Hill
SKIT Delco Cat Toys
May 8, 1999, Host: Cuba Gooding, Jr/Ricky Martin
OPEN Clinton Dreams of His Future
MONO: Cuba Gooding Jr.
COMM Lotto
SKIT Improvised Bible Miniseries
SKIT Barbara Walters Looks for Monica
SHOW Pretty Living
COMM Lotto
SHOW The Ladies’ Man
TOON AmbiguoBoys
SKIT Barbara Walters Looks for Monica
MUSC “Livin’ La Vida Loca”, Ricky Martin
WKUP
SKIT Cuba Loves Mango
COMM New Scratchers from Lotto
COMM Martha Stewart Living
SKIT Cuba Creates a Scandal with Walters
I’ve watched Saturday Night live since before I could understand all the jokes. With the emergence of peer to peer file swapping services, I’ve been looking for a lot of my favorite SNL skits.
One of my favorite skits is Will Farrell as Neil Diamond. I laughed so hard the first time I saw this, I nearly choked. John Goodman is Gary the Bass Player and Tim Meadows is Kenny the Keyboard Player.
The premise is Neil Diamond doing VH1’s Storytellers, where performers explain their songs and then sing them.
Neil: “Thank you. That, of course, is “Sweet Caroline”. I wrote that song after a big show at the Forum. Gary and I had been drinking pretty heavily, and we were driving..”
Gary (bass player): [worried] “Oh, I can’t believe you’re gonna tell this story..”
Neil: “Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. [the crowd reacts with stunned silence.] So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And two hours later, I wrote “Sweet Caroline”. Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you.
The crowd tries to applaud, but is stunned at the story. Neil follows it up with more revelations.
Neil: “It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That’s why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely legal pornography. Gary knows what I’m talking about. Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. [intro to “Cracklin’ Rosie”] Oh, Cracklin’ Rose, get on board. We’re gonna ride ’til there ain’t no more to go. We’re takin’ it slow. Let’s all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard!”
Next, Neil writes about his song of peace and unity, “America”:
Neil: “This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [intro to “America”] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreigners. Right, Gary?”
Gary: “Leave me out of this, man.”
Neil: “NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!! [pause, then back to the story] Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with dark skin, led me to write this. On the boats and on the trains. They’re coming to America. Never looking back again. Just do the best you can! You hate your keyboard player because he’s black! Never had the courage to tell him so.”
When his band members start telling him to shut up, Neil screams at them.
Neil: “I’ll smack you in the mouth, I’m Neil Diamond!”
As the crowd and his band starts to leave, Neil tries to get them to stay:
Neil: “Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection.”
I hadn’t checked the band’s website for their tour schedule but I found out one day last week on facebook & twitter that not only were they back on tour but over in Chapel Hill that very night! Leslie, her gold pants, gem sweaters and the Lys had arrived all the way from Iowa and we would not miss that chance. The Midwest Diva had knowledge for the Junior Gems!
